


start here

by InfiniteObsession



Series: Idol Verse [6]
Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst, Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 06:30:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteObsession/pseuds/InfiniteObsession
Summary: start here by caitlyn siehl





	start here

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from AFF (@woogyu91)~

_Start by pulling him out of the fire and_

_hoping that he will forget the smell._

_He was supposed to be an angel but they took him_

_from that light and turned him into something hungry,_

_something that forgets what his hands are for when they_

_aren’t shaking._

 

It starts with a few biting remarks. There is heat in his unusually sarcastic responses, easily explained by the rush you are all usually in, well-intentioned but unwelcome crowds surrounding the group as you rush from one schedule to another. Woohyun refuses, all of a sudden to act as your right hand man, but you quickly assume it is because of the fatigue of never ending promotions. You turn to Dongwoo for help and lecture the rest of the members about how to rest more effectively.

When you try to wake him to prepare for another day, he shoves you away. It isn’t like the light push he gave for the sake of showmanship on that one variety show. There is real force behind his shove. And a quick kick, poorly-aimed, no matter if it barely brushes your shin, is enough to make your temper flare. You pull him up by the collar and, surprise, surprise this stupid tree man has the audacity to grab onto yours in retaliation. You glare at each other, fuming, but unwilling to throw the first hit until your manager walks in and separates the two of you.

The rest of the week is tense and only the intervention of the members and your manager prevents the fight from escalating into actual, physical violence. You, personally, are more hurt than angry and after a few days of sniping back and imposing your status as leader and mat-hyung to tamp down Woohyun’s small rebellions, you retreat and refuse to acknowledge his barbs.

The younger (less mature) vocalist of course takes this as yet another affront to his pride and a challenge to say even worse things. He goads you into small arguments, gets your dongsaengs to join in on teasing you on variety shows, you laugh it off on camera but as soon as the cameras are off and you’ve thanked the PDs and the staff and made promises to hang out with the MC hyungs, your smile is gone and you’re so fucking happy that you can sit up front and ignore everyone else during the many car rides you have together. Even then, Woohyun plays girl group music on full blast to the ire of your managers and the rest of the members who just want to sleep.

After the show, when you’ve taken a shower and are sitting outside your shared room, staring blankly at the wall the other members approach you one at a time to apologize. Myungsoo, the absolute darling, snuggles into your side and sniffs at your shoulder until you push him gently away and urge him to sleep.

“You’re busier than anyone these days. I know it’s been rough on you.” You say as you knead his shoulders and guide him off the couch.

“It’s been rough on you too, hyung.” His sharp eyes are dulled by the fatigue he must feel but he still sees that you are worn down to nearly nothing but sheer determination to succeed. He offers a space beside him tonight. It sounds innocent enough, almost expected of your clingiest dongsaeng but you know what the offer is. It’s a night away from the mess between you and Woohyun. You feel like the knife Woohyun has lodged in your heart is being twisted by this kindness, perhaps this has gone too far.

You stubbornly shake your head and walk him to his room, steel and fire in your voice as you tell him not to worry about the leader. You’ll figure it out. You have to.

Except you don’t, not really. It hurts to much to be rebuffed and you can barely keep up with the passing of the days. The fight goes on but this time, you keep the skirmishes away from the eyes of curious dongsaengs and managers who will always, always take your side over his.

One night, you’ve decided you’ve had enough of Woohyun’s exaggerated tossing and turning and you head out. It’s unusual for you to go out at all, much less at that hour, and maybe that, the tension in your body line, and the utter fucking exhaustion in your eyes helps the manager decide it’s okay for you to go and meet with Heechul and stay over at his place as long as you’re in the salon before the rest of the members get there.

A night out with your new favorite hyung is just the kind of active resting you need to reach your zen zone again. When you walk into the salon to get made up for the day, you look better than you have in ages. Woohyun looks worse. As if he’d spent the night actually tossing and turning instead of pretending to do so until you fell into a fitful sleep. The managers and the make up noonas all berate him and he takes it all in wounded silence.

That night, you stand up to check if the other kids are sleeping or if they’re dicking around when his hand wraps around your ankle and he whispers,

“Don’t go.”

You stay, and the next day, your happy bubbly dongsaeng who adores you is back. From that day forward, it’s back to the cheesy, over the top fanservice, the sincere and gushy compliments on radio shows, the famous but secret, midnight talks where you fall asleep on the same pillow after, and the never ending inside jokes exchanged on-stage for the world to see.

All is well, all is how it was meant to be, and somehow you know… it won’t last forever.

 

* * *

 

_He will lose so much, and you will watch it all happen_

_because you had him first, and you would let the world_

_break its own neck if it means keeping him._

_Start by wiping the blood off of his chin and_

_pretending to understand._

_Repeat to yourself_

_“I won’t leave you, I won’t leave you”_

_until you fall asleep and dream of the place_

_where nothing is red._

 

When he starts promoting with Kibum, you almost feel relieved that he has someone else to pour all his attention into. You monitor the fan reactions and convince yourself you are merely interested in how the sub-unit takes the heat off of the Woollim and SM merger. You pretend that you don’t feel a thing when you hear him proclaim on Kiss the Radio that Key is his other half, his best friend, his soulmate.

Petty as you are, you refuse when your manager says Woohyun needs to call someone for the quiz segment and you pass the responsibility on to another member.

“The other members need the airtime, hyung.” You claim. “Besides, the fans need to focus on WooKey and not HyunSung.”

It’s a good argument, and if Woohyun were a rational and naturally forgiving person, that would be the end of it. Instead, he wakes you up after arriving from a late night practice by entering your shared bedroom in an obnoxiously loud manner. Woohyun goes as far as purposely shaking the bed roughly as he climbs up to his bunk and immediately spits out an irate “What?” when he catches you glaring at him as he ascends. You try to brush it off with a “Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“No, not nothing.” He argues, climbing back down quickly, as if he was hoping for a confrontation, and somehow you know he was. “Are you more tired than I am? Who’s more tired than I am right now?”

“No one alive on this planet is more tired than you.” You deadpan. “You've worked hard.” You add lifelessly, clapping just because. And then you laugh hysterically and dig the heels of your hands into your eye sockets because you're so fucking tired of this fight and it hasn't even started yet.

Before Woohyun can continue spewing more venom your phone rings and you're so grateful and desperate to go away that you miss the look of shock and hurt on Woohyun's face as you exit the room to take the call in what counts as privacy living in a dorm with six other men.

“Jongwan-hyung!” You greet him enthusiastically, ever the adoring dongsaeng.

“Sunggyu-yah! Come drink with us tonight.” He sounds like he's already drunk and you're a bit worried about how much he grills you about Woohyun when he's under the influence.

“Sorry, hyung. Our managers have called lights out already.” You say apologetically

“Jungyeop is with us! He said it's alright.”

Well if your CEO gave the green light then you'd be a fool not to go. Especially not when you want to escape so badly.

“Okay, hyung. I'll call a cab and meet you there.”

You go back to the room, jolting a little when you realize Woohyun had followed you out. Ignoring him, you pull on clean jeans and a hoodie. You're digging around for a face mask when Woohyun speaks to you again. He sounds different this time. Scared. Anxious. Jealous.

“You're meeting Jongwan-sunbae?”

“Eung.” You grunt, bending over to pull your socks on. “The NELL-hyungs are out with Jungyeop.”

Woohyun looks like he wants to say something but is holding himself back.

“You're tired right? Go to sleep and rest well, Woohyun-ah. I'll be here when you wake up.” You keep your tone light and ruffle his hair for good measure.

“Can I sleep on your bed?” He asks. You realize it's been weeks since you shared a bed, a space, a conversation.

“Of course.” You reply, dropping a quick kiss to Woohyun’s too thin cheek and tucking him in, pulling down one of his own pillows because you know you’re going to end up squished between the wall and Woohyun later. You don’t miss the way he burrows his too perfect nose into your pillow as if by sheer force of his inhale he can pretend he’s falling sleeping on your bare chest.

Every part of you wants to stay but you know that if you do, Woohyun won’t sleep and as a leader and as a lover, his rest and wellbeing should always come first. So you whisper a promise to be back before he wakes up and leave the night light switched on when you leave.

 

* * *

 

_When is a monster not a monster?_

_Oh, when you love it._

_Oh, when you used to sing it to sleep._

 

You know it’s already too late by the time you let yourself into his new apartment.

“Woohyun-ah, you can’t be mad at me while wearing that ridiculous pink sweatshirt.” You groan. You knew you shouldn’t have accepted Jongwan’s offer to let you sleep off a little of your drunkenness, the older man had occasionally rubbed Woohyun the wrong way because he knew nothing about your relationship but pretended to know everything. But you were drunk and sleepy and Woohyun hadn’t answered his phone.

He ignores you as he continues getting ready for bed except for the occasional glare when you get in his way. You make it a point to get in his way often. Any attention is good attention.

“Seriously. I feel like I’m being threatened by a chapssaltteok.”

The younger keeps his back turned, refusing to look at you. Letting out a deep sigh and hoping to whatever gods were listening that Woohyun wasn’t mad enough to get violent, you snuggle up cautiously behind your korean rice cake.

“Look, you’re angry. I know you are. I know you’re tired too so let’s just sleep ok? I won’t leave, I won’t try anything just… sleep.” Woohyun struggles as you settle his arm on his waist but you use it to your advantage, the squirming allows you to slip your other underneath your lover.

Finally, he sniffles, and forces you to turn around. “You be the small spoon.”

You sigh, the things you did for this dongsaeng. “If I wake up and something’s poking my ass you definitely lose this fight.” You say playfully.

“Shut up.” He says, but you can hear the smile in his voice. Before you fall asleep, you are both humming the same ballad. It’s a song about love.

 

* * *

 

_Here are your upturned hands._

_Give them to him and watch how he prays_

_like he is learning his first words._

_Start by pulling him out of another fire,_

_and putting him back together with the pieces_

_you find on the floor._

 

“Woohyun-ah, what is this?” You demand, this is so unlike him that nothing else matters, not the fact that he’s still buried balls deep inside of you or that his tears are dripping uncomfortably onto your too warm skin.

He pulls away, sitting up, and your body just knows to follow before you lose him completely to whatever conjured up worst case scenario is running through his complex mind.

“Do you hate me?” He asks and he sounds so miserable you feel all coherent thought fly from you. “Do you hate that I want you like this?”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t hate you at all, I can’t hate you for anything!” You start to feel defensive but you tamp the feeling down trying to figure out what the hell brought this on. Everything was going great, but as soon as he slid inside of you, the tears started flowing and your boyfriend was weeping, cock rapidly softening inside of you.

“But I know… I know you don’t want this… You’ve always topped and now I keep…” His voice trails off and you’re not quite sure what he means anymore but you have to fix this. You have to.

“Not what I want?! No one in the history of desire has wanted someone as much as I want you. I’m not ashamed of you, I’m not ashamed of this.” You say, gesturing so lewdly that it is shamefully clear what you’re referring to.

“Then why do you keep pushing me away after?” He moans miserably. He still refuses to meet your eyes, you’re not even sure he can see through the haze of tears. You pull him flat against you, the movement causes his cock to slip out and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t disappoint you.

“Will you listen?” You ask after giving him time to blubber against your skin. He nods but keeps himself wrapped tight around you as if any minute you’re going to run away from him.

“Sometimes… sometimes it feels like too much.” You admit. “Sometimes, I feel like I love you so much, love us so much that I can’t bear it. I get… overwhelmed and I feel off-balance, like any minute I’ll drown in being Sunggyu, your boyfriend, and forget about all the other Sunggyu’s.”

“What other Sunggyu’s are there?”

“I’m your hyung, aren’t I? I’m your leader, your best friend, I’m a son, a dongsaeng, an idol…” You explain, hand idly tracing the muscles of Woohyun’s back. “There are so many parts of me and each of those parts have responsibilities attached to them and after we… after sex, sometimes I feel like letting them all go to be with you. It scares me Woohyun.”

“I could lose myself… loving you.” You admit.

“Am I, Am I bad for you then?” He asks insecurely. Of fucking course he would find a way to twist the words and make it seem like you’re trying to or should leave him.

“No, Woohyun-ah.” You say patiently. “It’s me. You’ve always been the braver one, the stronger one. When I talk about a person who has a heart to bear it all, I’m talking about you.”

 

* * *

 

_There is so much to forgive, but you do not_

_know how to forget._

_When is a monster not a monster?_

_Oh, when you are the reason it has become so mangled._

 

“What do you want from me?!”

“What I want? Sunggyu, I want you to fight for me! I wanted you to fight for us! I wanted you to tell me that there is no other option for you than to stay in Infinite with me!” Woohyun shouts back.

“How was I supposed to know that?!” You retort angrily.

“You just are!”

“I’m not a mind reader, Woohyun!!!” Throwing your hands up in the air as if that will drive the point home.

“No, you’re not! You’re my boyfriend. You’re not supposed to know my mind, you’re supposed to understand it. You’re supposed to understand me. but I suppose that’s too much to ask from media darling Kim Sunggyu.”

“Oh, fuck you so much!” You yell, so close to shoving him because he knows how much you hate it when that title is thrown in your face.

 

* * *

 

_Here is your humble offering,_

_obliterated and broken in the mouth_

_of this abandoned church._

 

“I don’t want you to stay when staying has only hurt you.” You finally croak out as you turn to leave, his anger already too much for you to bear. So many angry words have been exchanged that you're not even sure how either of you is standing right now. You're both stripped down, raw and bleeding from the barbs and uncovered hurts and secret resentments that you've both pushed aside in the name of whatever this relationship is.

“I’m selfish Woohyun-ah. More selfish than you know and if I could keep you by my side forever, I would throw every key in the locks that bind us together to keep you chained to me. But you’re meant for so much more than this.” He has stubbornly turned away from you, his body still tense and shaking with fury.

“I love you! I’m not chained to you or staying out of obligation! How can you talk like Infinite is yours when it’s always been ours?!”

“Don’t you get it? **I hate everything in your life that isn’t you!** Including myself. Because none of it will ever be good enough, none of us will ever deserve you.” The words feel like they are being wrenched from the blackest part of your soul and you know you can’t stay anymore. You have no right, no standing, and no pride left in you.

And just like that, you leave.

 

* * *

 

_He has come back to stop the world_

_from turning itself inside out, and you love him, you do,_

_so you won’t let him._

_Tell him that you will never know any better._

_Pretend to understand why that isn’t good enough._

 

“When someone says you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

“No, you’re right. I was being an ass, I had no right to take it out on you.”

“And you were right too, about being hurt by me. I should have asked you to stay instead of leaving you alone like that.”

“Hyung, I hurt you too. Don’t make excuses for me that’s not what I want. I was wrong. Let me take responsibility.”

"We were both right, we were both wrong, too. Can’t you see that? Sometimes it’s not you versus me, Hyun. I’m not justifying anything. I know you could have handled it better… But I could have too.” You know his capacity to love and forgive is greater than anyone you’ve ever met, know that maybe one day it might be the death of him. Because he does love and he does forgive but he does not forget, he does not heal. He buries the hate and the hurt deep inside him and bears it all so no one else has to. There are so many kinds of pain a person can feel, and Woohyun feels them all, all of the time, every time.

“You… Woohyun you're made of glass: so strong, but you could shatter in an instant. I could put you back together, and I have, I think… or at least I’ve always tried to.” Sunggyu pauses, thinking of the next words carefully. “But the cracks always show. I've been careless with you. With how I've handled you. I never wanted to break you.”

You ask him to be selfish. “Tell hyung what you need. Demand it. Don’t let me say no.” You insist. You want him to draw the line, want him to dig his feet in and not go with whatever you decide to give him.

“Just…stay. Don’t go. Don’t you ever leave. Not like that. Not ever.” He finally says. It’s more difficult than pulling teeth, it takes forever for him to even formulate the sentence even if you both knew what he was going to ask for.

In the end, he wants you.

He always wants you.


End file.
